It has been so long… too long for me not to say anything. The last thing you heard from me was, “I would never ever show you any kindness anymore. We couldn’t be friends.”

But I’m grateful… for all the hurt that you caused me, for all the sleepless nights and the tears I shed on the couch in the living room.

My room was a mess. Your portrait, the teddy bear soap, and all the stuff I kept to give to you were scattered on the floor. All the memories we had were banging in my head.

I’ll always remember the day you forgot to fetch me, and I was starving the whole day on the first day of Raya. How you blamed me for not reminding you and said you couldn’t leave the house because of your guests. I wonder who the VIP really was…

Then you came back with a photo of a ring on someone’s finger, asking for my help and suggestions. I hoped, I wished, that it was for your sister, but no… it wasn’t. You were engaged.

I wonder if you ever feel sorry for what you have done to me.

The memories are still fresh in my mind. Two years ago, when I was out with someone else, you called me on the late night, asking if I had forgotten about us. If I had forgotten that we were dating. That question left me silent. If it were true that we were dating, I wish you wouldn’t have cared so little about me. I wish you had taken me out more instead of just video calling me or gaslighting me.

I never pushed you away… instead, I agreed to meet you on my birthday. You didn’t even know it was my birthday because, again, you didn’t care enough about me. All you cared about were all the guys I was meeting.

“I liked him,” I said. “But I had to let him go for you.”

I had to watch him from afar. I had to deny that I really liked him and pretend that I didn’t care. I told him every lie he didn’t want to hear or read on my IG story. I made up too many fake stories just so he would hate me before he walked away.

Life was complicated back then.

Love is not easy for me.